Reframing the Holidays

December 2008

I read a thought-provoking article in the New York Times the other day. In the Business section, it talked about how the retail market was being affected by the fact that many moms are forgoing their own holiday gifts or purchases for themselves to ensure that their children don’t go without the gifts to which they are accustomed.

Then another article caught my eye. Sue Shellenbarger recently wrote in the Wall Street Journal that many parents are trying to cut back on their child-care expenses by employing grandparents or by switching from full-time to part-time care.

[A side note: Please don’t think that I read the WSJ or even the NYT regularly. If you know me, you know that I get most of my news from NPR while making breakfast in the morning, and there are many mornings when I am lucky to be able to listen to one story from start to finish!]

For some reason, something troubled me about both articles, but at the time I read them I couldn’t pinpoint exactly where my discomfort lay … until this week. This week, I am constantly hearing about the financial crisis—and how it is directly affecting not only other people I know and care about but also my own family. Yet at the same time, this week I am rushing around, trying to get geared up for a trip to see my parents, doing my holiday shopping, and taking part in other holiday-related activities.

Things feel so different in some ways yet remain very much the same in others.

Then I realized why the articles didn’t sit quite right with me. It was because while both of them held some truth, they didn’t tell the whole story. Both described different ways in which mothers in particular are being affected by the current economic crisis. While some moms are sacrificing their own holiday gifts, others are scaling down holiday celebrations in different ways. Some moms may be reducing child-care expenses, while others are finding other ways to cut back on spending. The omitted part of the story is that all these moms who are cutting back financially are probably overextending themselves in other ways (time, energy, etc.) as a result.

Moms more often than not have put their families’ needs before their own. But now we’re being asked to do this to an even greater extent. Some of us are thinking about going back to work. Others are making their households run on tighter budgets. Many of us are worried.

And yet, despite the difficult economic times, it’s still the holidays, and when you have children, the holidays must go on! No matter what holiday you celebrate, it’s hard to escape the year-end frenzy. (From what I understand, in NYC parents have preschool/school interviews scheduled right up to the 24th of December!) Some of us have long Christmas lists, and many are running around trying to get year-end gifts for teachers. There are numerous events to attend and family and friends to see.

So where does that leave us moms? We’re usually the ones doing the planning for and organizing of all of this celebrating, and all this responsibility--coupled with financial worries--can often make it hard to feel very festive.

I’ve always believed that each mom knows what is best for her individual family and situation. Each mom’s finances, career, spouse, values, and beliefs are unique. Each mom is her own family’s expert.

But part of taking care of your family, under any circumstances, involves ensuring that you are also taking care of you. You know what your limits are. Are you making sure you’re not making so many sacrifices that you can’t be at your best?

Since we each have a unique situation, I can’t tell you what you specifically need to do to take care of yourself. I can, however, share with you what I am trying to do this holiday season. Again, I’m not trying to give advice here; I’m just providing the following as an illustration of how I am trying to find my own way, in the hopes that it will help you to find yours during these stressful times:

1. I have thought about both my list of things to do and my shopping list. I have cut out a lot of things that I have decided I don’t really need to do/buy. I am trying to save not only money but time and energy, recognizing that they are valuable resources, too.
2. I’ve decided that it’s OK for me to do a little postponing. As a result, some people are going to receive New Year’s gifts from me instead of Christmas gifts. And a group of friends and I gave up on the idea of getting together before the year’s end and decided to go out in 2009 instead.
3. When I start to worry about money or what the future will bring, I consciously try to focus on two ideas: “People over things” and “Enjoy this moment now.”
4. As much as I try not to worry, I still do. So when I start to worry about things I can control, I try to plan thoughtfully. I try to set aside just a little time to do this when I know my head will be clear and my mind focused … usually after a cup of morning coffee!

The steps above seem to helping me. What steps would work for you? Have you even given yourself the time to think about this?

I am now planning a number of events in the New Year to help other moms “get their lives back” in 2009. Now more than ever, moms need to find creative, effective ways to reflect, revive, and renew themselves. There’s more information in this e-mail about my upcoming six-week Get Your Life Back, Mom! class, which starts in February. But because I’ve been hearing from a number of mothers that six sessions can be hard to commit to, I am also planning some mini-events that will also provide fun, exciting ways for moms to get reacquainted with themselves and the things they love.

This holiday season, I know that many of you will be making sacrifices, postponing purchases and activities, planning, and possibly worrying.

So this holiday season, despite the challenges you may face as you navigate these tasks and thoughts, I wish you the time, energy, clarity, and focus to execute your ideas, plans, and dreams.

Happy Holidays!
Stacy

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