Three Reasons Why New Year's Resolutions Don't Work

January 2009

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions (NYRs), you are probably one of two types of people:

• You religiously make them each year, starting out with gusto, but then, by spring or summer, you find you’ve already forgotten about them, or
• You don’t believe they work, so you don’t bother to make them at all.

I used to fall into the first category. I would set NYRs every year. I got into the habit of giving myself the deadline of the Lunar New Year to set them because I always found that the end of the semester or the December holidays were just too busy a time to even think about the New Year. The Lunar New Year always gave me an extra bit of time to reflect and figure out what I needed to do.

Still, I was very lucky if by St. Patrick’s Day I could recall the resolutions I had made just a few weeks earlier.

Let’s take a quick look at some common NYRs, which I found after doing a quick search on the Internet:

1. Losing weight/exercising more/eating right
2. Paying off debt/spending less money
3. Spending more time with family, friends, or both
4. Learning something new
5. Helping others/volunteering
6. Getting organized/cleaning up a messy house
7. Quitting smoking/drinking less
8. Reducing stress
9. Taking a trip

Have you ever set one of these NYRs? If so, what happened?

I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist or someone who doesn’t believe in your capabilities, but if I were a betting person, I’d probably put money down that these resolutions didn’t do much for you.

To make matters worse, if you’re a mom, it’s likely that you’ve given up on NYRs altogether.

Over time, I have come to realize that NYRs just don’t work, and for three reasons:

First, people tend to make resolutions that are too vague or too broad. I’m sure you’ve heard the following adage before: If you’re going to set a goal, you have to break it down into small, achievable steps. Most NYRs are just the opposite: they’re too big, too bold, and too broad. Even when you do break them down, however, it’s difficult to “get on a roll” for the remaining two reasons, detailed below.

Second, the timing of—or time frame for—the resolution does not provide people with sufficient motivation. While the new year brings a “clean slate” of sorts, one calendar year is neither a relevant time period nor a significant time trigger for most goals. How do you measure “spending more time with family”? Even if you figure out the answer to that question , is it reasonable to expect that you can make progress in a linear fashion during exactly one calendar year? I often wonder if what sabotages resolution makers’ efforts is a voice somewhere in the depths of their minds that asks, “So does it really matter that I learn Spanish in 2009?” Or, “So if my house was disorganized in 2008, does it really make a difference whether it is organized in 2009?”

Resolutions make more sense when their time frame or impetus is more meaningful: “My friend is getting married in Mexico next summer, and I’d like to learn a bit of conversational Spanish before I get on that plane.” Or, “Because I’m going to sell my house in August, I’m going to start getting rid of stuff I don’t need now so that I can stage it properly then.”

Finally, the main reason that NYRs don’t work is that, more often than not, they focus on trying to fix something that is going wrong or on filling a void in people’s lives. Through my research and my work as a coach, I have come to realize that when people focus on what they believe are negative aspects of their lives, they will not be able to make much progress, if they make any at all.

I’m not saying that change is impossible but that when you try to make a correction, overcome a deficit, or even close a gap in your life, you are operating from a stance of fear. And it is very hard to rely on fear, because it usually does not provide enough momentum or sustain the energy that real change requires.

Time and again in my own life, in my observations of others’ lives, and in my coaching practice, I have seen that the way to make significant, powerful change is to set a goal that further “strengthens a strength” the individual already possesses. When you magnify or multiply what is going right in our life rather than try to fix what is going wrong, you get the momentum and energy you need to get on a roll and stay on it.

Goal setting is not merely “thinking positively,” but rather focusing on and using what you’re already good at. It capitalizes on what your individual predispositions and personality make you hard-wired to do. When you focus on this, not only is the work easier, your creative juices flow faster.

As an example, think of Jeff Lewis of Bravo TV’s Flipping Out, the obsessive-compulsive, L.A.-based house flipper. He’s the guy who not only has to have the furniture exactly placed but even all the items in his refrigerator neatly lined up, their labels facing out. Rather than trying to ignore or fix this “flaw,” Lewis channels it into a lucrative business. His life may never be as perfect as he wants it to be, but just imagine what might have happened if he instead tried to get a job at, say, a day care center for the sake of “self-improvement.”

So, where does all this leave you at the top of the year? How do you improve your own life … taking into account that times are tough and being a mother is never easy?

In both my workshops and private sessions, clients work on two areas with me:

1. Expanding the positive: what already works, what you’re naturally good at, and what you enjoy doing
2. Taking baby steps

Sometimes your mind can trick you into thinking that what you’re good at doesn’t matter, or that “what’s working is working,” so you can ignore it. You may have convinced yourself that what you “should” be doing is what you want to do, and that what you want to do is not achievable.

Women seem to be good at playing these mind games; moms especially so.

So this year, instead of setting a NYR, tell yourself, “Rather than fix myself, I’m going to intensify a strength.”

And what about me? Do I still set NYRs? Well, sort of. What am I doing this year? I’m taking my own advice. Instead of trying to tone my tummy, or eat more vegetables and less meat (last year’s resolutions, by the way), I’m going to start knitting again. I’m fairly good at it and I enjoy it, but since having children, my UFOs (unfinished objects) have been collecting dust.

How am I breaking down this goal into baby steps? First, I’ve placed one knitting project on my dining room table and another in my bag. Whenever I have the chance, I pick up my needles—even if it’s only for a couple of stitches.

Second, I’m setting a knitting date with my mom friends. Check it out, because you’re invited, too (whether you knit or not).

And what about you? If you’d like some assistance with figuring out what your non-NYR goals could be, or better understanding what your inherent strengths are, please feel free to e-mail me. I’d be happy to set up a complimentary consultation. (There is no obligation; it’s really free.) Or, why not try one of my upcoming workshops.

Here’s to starting 2009 with hope and strengths—strengths that are uniquely yours to magnify!

Stacy

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