Veggies and Desserts

(Or, How to Get What You Want This Mother’s Day)

Eating experts tell us not to use food as a reward or a punishment. When I bottle-fed my children, this was easy to do.

Now, however, I find myself negotiating with them: “OK, eat one more bite of your carrots and finish that chicken nugget, then, yes, you may have dessert.” It usually works. They stuff their mouths with foods I deem are good for them so that they can satisfy their sweet teeth afterward.

I know, though, that in the long run, using desserts as a reward for eating veggies will create more problems, so I am trying different strategies to help my children make better choices. For example, the other day I said, “Different foods have different purposes. Desserts are fun to eat, other foods give us energy to do fun things, and yet others help us grow tall and strong, while other foods help us stay healthy. All of these are important, so we need to eat a variety of foods. We can’t eat just one type.”

That’s when it hit me… This pretty much sums up what my clients and I work on together when I am coaching talented, caring women to better balance their lives. Whether they’re trying to switch to a more rewarding career, enjoy parenting more, or find more time and energy to do what they truly love, it is important that they have a balanced diet of activities.

Specifically, each woman needs perform a mix of activities that:

• Keep her family going, such as doing housework, paying the bills, making sure food is on the table, and getting the kids to school. We can compare them to the simple carbohydrates that fuel her in the short term.
   
• Give her sustaining energy. These may include having at a fulfilling career that taps into her talents; enriching her relationship with her family or friends; or contributing to a larger cause and making a difference in others’ lives. They are comparable to the protein, fruits, and vegetables that provide more lasting energy and help her grow.
   
• Bring her immediate pleasure, such as reading a juicy novel, taking a trip to a museum, or completing a Sudoku puzzle. Representing the desserts, these provide joy, excitement, and fun.

Although everyone needs a good mix of these three categories of activities, the exact balance and specific kinds of activities differ for each woman. What I find is that many moms experience one or more of the following challenges:

1. Some deprive themselves of desserts completely. These women don’t feel they deserve to have immediate pleasures, big or small. For example, I know a woman who loves celebrity gossip magazines. She may take a peek at the hair salon, but she never lets herself buy a copy, not even just occasionally, to truly relish it.
    
2. Some eat only meat and potatoes. Even though they used to love them and even perfected their recipe, they are now tired of them. Whether they are stay-at-home or employed, these moms have figured out how to run and live lives with efficiency and ease, but they yearn for something more, something different, or something new.
    
3. Some are gourmet chefs: they make elaborate meals day after day, attending to every detail, and as a result they feel exhausted. These women give 200 percent of themselves to their families, careers, and homes. Whereas on the outside they may seem “perfect,” on the inside they sometimes feel resentful and empty.

What makes finding the right balance of activities challenging is that everyone is different: one woman’s veggies is another’s dessert. For example, while one of my girlfriends loves manicures and gets them weekly, another finds them to be uncomfortable and unbearable. Moreover, what thrilled and excited some women before they had children may not be so pleasurable now.

This is perhaps why Mother’s Day is often hit or miss for a number of moms. Cards, breakfast in bed, flowers, and spa gift certificates are all nice. They fall short, however, if they aren’t what you really wanted—that is, something that gives you sustaining energy or immediate pleasure.

While it is easy to blame partners and children for missing the mark on Mother’s Day, we need to realize that: 1) we are responsible for our own happiness, and 2) perhaps our loved ones would know what to get us if they can witness what truly nourishes us. In other words, we need to know what we want and provide it for ourselves. Then, if loved ones can see how much you love to paint, for example, perhaps they would know to buy you paintbrushes. If they see you bringing home scones week after week from your favorite café, they would know where to take you for brunch.

Finally, don’t for a moment think that this is being selfish. On the contrary, it is important to model for your children how to find one’s own pleasures and not rely on others to make oneself feel happy and nourished.

If you’re having trouble determining what you love to do, or what gives you immediate pleasure or sustaining energy, please email or call me. Don’t deny yourself a balanced diet of activities for a balanced and happy life. These may seem like daunting tasks, but they do not have to be. I offer complimentary, no-obligation coaching consultations by phone or in person. They take just 45 minutes and are a fun, easy way to explore finding the right mix of activities.

You’ve eaten your green beans, now it’s time for ice cream.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Stacy

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