Freedom from the Shoulds

My older daughter is currently attending a summer camp in the same building complex where I used to work. As I walk through the halls of this place, I am bombarded by reminders of my past life. I wish I could say they were pleasant ones, but the feelings and emotions they conjure are mostly fear and guilt.

I had a great job. I was running multimillion-dollar federal research projects at a prestigious university and working with two of the most brilliant minds in the field. My parents were proud, but I was unhappy.

A career in academia had always been the goal. My parents told me it was "the" place to be. It required seven years of doctoral work and three additional years of research. But instead of feeling a sense of achievement, all I felt was dread. I felt out of place. Everyone else, including the graduate students working for me, seemed smarter. I had to really work at stuff that others seemed to do with ease. Every day I feared that I would get caught trying to impersonate a research scientist.

It took me a really long time, a ton of emotional work, and tremendous support from my spouse, therapist, and coach to finally do what I want instead of what I should. I had to battle the voices in my head: "You should be doing research and working toward a tenure-track job." "You should stay in the Academy; leaving means you failed." "You should be writing journal articles, not writing in your journal."

Breaking free from the "shoulds" was the key to finding a career that makes me happy. And it seems to be the key to happiness in many situations. How many times have you...

• Worried about what you should be doing at a time you could be relaxing or enjoying yourself?
• Caught yourself feeling guilty about sneaking in a TV show or a few more pages of a good book, or lingering a little longer in bed in the morning, because you should have been doing something for your family?
• Felt horrible after buying yourself a little something when you should have been saving money/looking for a new job?
• Lay awake listing the things you should do the next day instead of sleeping

Don't get me wrong; I'm not saying we must ignore realities and blissfully do what we want. Those necessities are the "have tos," not the "shoulds" I am discussing here. For example, I couldn't just quit and leave my university job; I had financial responsibilities (and health insurance!). But in fact, long after I left the job, the "shoulds" continued to resonate in my head, keeping me unhappy and holding me back for at least two more years.

It was only when I quieted the "shoulds" that I was truly free to pursue the "wants."

"Shoulds" never really go away; new ones prop up all the time. (Our minds are just wired that way, I think.) For example, just this past week, I was haunted by these "shoulds":

• I should be taking my children to the library instead of letting them watch their favorite show.
• I should be watching the new documentary Gasland instead of a new episode of Entourage.
• I should be cooking up those lentils and fresh vegetables for my children instead of heating up these chicken fingers.
• I should put away the laundry instead of doing one more Sudoku puzzle.
• I should play the Suzuki piano CD for my children instead of Kylie Minogue's new album*.

As a result of these thoughts, I don't get to fully enjoy whatever it is I end up choosing to do in that moment. Instead of extracting pleasure/respite from the activity I shouldn't be doing, I am left feeling guilty or defeated. When I manage to recognize the "shoulds" as they prop up, make a conscious choice, and then simply enjoy whatever choice I make, I am rewarded with boosts of energy, joy, or both.

I don't always succeed, but taking small steps feels better than standing still.

So, what "shoulds" will you free yourself from this Independence weekend?

Happy Independence Day!
Stacy

*By the way, music education researchers and experts all agree that parents modeling their enjoyment of music matters more than the actual music they play. Just ask the folks at Eastside Westside Music Together. Or simply do what I did and groove to Aphrodite for free until July 6, thanks to NPR.

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